Let me perish...

Once again I am here to say the words, the words that should not be said, that should not be told, anyway they are abhorring me on the inside and their will overcome mine. Let them out in such a time:

How could someone make me cry?, an act which was by me never had so sincerely, how could she make me long to lose my life after the deception?, how could she take my love and make my life brighter. And all of this she did in two days.

And must I say as well that the gravest love and the highest pain have had taken place at the very same time and that I had been fearing this since I looked into her eyes, since I first stared at her mind. I could not ever have such a perfection only for me, and now I have my gift, yes, for my arrogance of trying to hand myself it I have got my sorrow, my latest and hardest wound, the bleeding feeling of desire, of affection, the wounded heart...

I say that I should never have looked so deeply into her eyes. I should not have stared at those bright fountains of pureness. For now I suffer, and now I long back the most perfect night ever, I long for that moment to be never ended: the sweetest kiss that she gave me, the kiss which was my own and which is now gone.

Yes, I saw that kiss be gone whe she told me that she didn't want a thing from me, when no warmth came from her eyes any more, when I was sitting by her side asking silently for forgiveness and she did not even looked at my face as she used to do so may times and so passionately. Even though she kissed me one last time, she kissed our last kiss I guess, but why should it be the last? WHY? WHY?

I want to scream, I want run into her arms. I want all the things that I have always searched back to me.

I don't want to cry for her, however I do cry, I cry tears so heavy that I cannot hold my head and as I stare at the floor I let those most painful drops stream so resentfully, their are right now willing to come but I now will hold them back.

I want that December 25th night back, why had it needed to end, my Lord? Why can't I sing her some songs and believe that I can sing'em forever only for her and for her ears only? Why can't I seat on the sand, stare at the ocean, and at the moon and despite of these only in her eyes find true beauty? Why can't I fear falling in love again instead of suffering from losing it? Why can't I have her lips again? Let me know cruel world of disguise.

Why did I have to say those words, why did she look at me so coldly? And why do I cry when I remember the way looked at me? Why do I guess that I will never be able to touch her heart again? Will it be sealed for good or will it open again someday?

One thing I just do not understand is that how come something that was so meant to be fell apart? And by stealing someone else's words I can say that forever was the promise in my heart, now more and more I wonder where you are.

Right now I simply do not know if would it be better for me that she read this or that she would not ever notice my feelings.

Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be, there's a shadow hanging over me. Why did she have to go?, I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday as some of greater sense said.

And how could I have been so much coward? I guess I am asking too much difficult questions which I simply don't have enough reasonable mind to wonder and answer, for I must be still a child. Maybe it was a dream, one of those that you can remember when you wake up, but only in small pieces that do not make much sense, and even so it was perfect for no sense has been there asked, not in the ground of love.

I would ask for forgiveness, for a second chance, 'cause I felt that freezing accent in her voice when I her to hear me and I guess it is now all over, maybe she will never take me back, maybe she haven't at any time wished to make me cry or suffer from yearning, from regret, from emotional touch touching my skin, and yet I suffer and cry.

Maybe this would not be so hard if the brightest face of hers wasn't so strongly written in my soul, so marked in my mind, in my skin. For she is running through my veins already so intensely and every time I breath I feel her flavor of sweetest thing, and even now to breath seems painful, for I guess that my breath will be denied from now on whenever I might ask her for it once again.

When will I realize my new end again I don't know and how was I to know if I cannot head anyplace, I guess I will take my normal life back on the path for that perfect life beside her seems to have vanished with three words:"Mais ou menos".

Now I guess that the strongest melancholy and sadness will take over me again. And yet I do not know what was so wrong in being sincere, yes, I tried to be honest in order to begin a new thing: a brand new love. But this brought me only such a pain, maybe anger for her, and must I pray that it be anger and not indifference, for if that might be so I'll be dead by the next morning.

I lost my love yesterday night but somehow I can carry on, even though I want it that way, even though I ask my love again. But now I can at least die in restless peace and at the very moment of my death may the Lord forgive me for my sin 'cause I begin to think that she will ever do so.

P.S.: In the end of this I cry once again and remember that way of look, those words, that voice...